Snowblind
by GundamDelta6
Summary: This wasn’t the way it was supposed to end. But things don’t always work out the way they’re supposed to. Songfic. Final part of Stronger Than Vicodin


YAY! Finally got this written. There's a lot of angst and lots of introspection in this one. Sorry it took so long to get it out, but I was traumatized by this episode...after the promises of Huddy sex and it was all a drug-induced hallucination....grr....anyway...here's the Finale of the Vicodin series.

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Title: Snowblind

Category: House, M.D.

Pairing: House/Cuddy

Genre: Angst. Lots of Angst

Set: 5x24 - "Both Sides Now"

Rating: PG

Summary: This wasn't the way it was supposed to end. But things don't always work out the way they're supposed to. Songfic.

Author's Note: OMFG!! This took me forever….mostly because the finale traumatized me completely. I was crying during the scene this is set during and my dad was like "it's just a tv show" and I'm like "that doesn't mean it doesn't feel real" or something to that effect… anyways… This is set in Cuddy's office just as House is realizing the detox/sex was a hallucination. Song is "Snowblind" by Styx.

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_Mirror, Mirror, on the wall_

_The face you show me scares me so…_

_I thought that I could call your bluff,_

_But now the lines are clear enough._

"So, this is the story you made up about who you are…" Amber's mocking voice cut through, marking his epiphany. House's eyes widened in confusion and horror as he continued to stare at the orange prescription bottle lying on the floor of Cuddy's office. This just could not be happening… "It's a nice one."

"Too bad it isn't true," Kutner's voice added. Everything stopped as House processed the new hallucination. Or had he always been there and House had never heard or seen him? Or perhaps he'd been ignoring Kutner this whole time? If he'd always been there since his suicide, how long had Amber been haunting him? Since her death?

His mind reeling with unanswered questions, he took a step back from the bottle of Vicodin on the floor. Nothing made sense anymore.

_Life's not pretty, even though_

_I try so hard to make it so._

_Mornings are such cold distress;_

_How did I ever get into this mess?_

"What was real?" he asked aloud. Cuddy took a hesitant step forward, reaching out a hand towards him. "What was real!?" he demanded again, looking up at her.

"What do you mean?" she asked, stopping in front of him.

"Between us…what was real? What about our… relationship… wasn't a hallucination?" Fear clouded his eyes as he looked at her confused look. "No… no… you can't tell me that I hallucinated two months of us being together…"

"House… The night you quit the methadone was real." Cuddy blushed lightly as she remembered the sweet love they'd made, even if she had regretted it afterwards. "The kiss in my office was real. I don't know what else you're talking about."

_Harmless and innocent, you devil in white,_

_You stole my will without a fight._

_You filled me with confidence, but you blinded my eyes._

_You tricked me with visions of Paradise._

House stared. "Which kiss in your office?" He distinctly remembered two. One the week after he'd followed her home and slept with her, and one just a couple of weeks ago. "What about when you kissed my cheek after we found out about Kutner killing himself…?"

"There was only one kiss in my office. After you quit the methadone. And I was being friendly and supportive after Kutner's suicide." She'd touched his cheek, but she couldn't remember kissing him. But he seemed to think she had. "What all have you hallucinated?"

"…A lot," House answered after a moment. He wasn't sure how she'd react to hearing about his hallucination of wild and passionate sex with her the night before, so he didn't mention it. If the slow and sweet sex they'd had the night he'd followed her home was all they'd had, then that meant that the hallucinations had to have started not long after he'd gone back on the Vicodin. Though, Amber hadn't appeared until after Kutner had killed himself. Which Amber was right about…

"Of course I'm right. I'm you, remember? You felt guilty for letting me die, and that's why I'm here," Amber's voice broke back in.

"And you feel guilty because you couldn't stop me from committing suicide," Kutner added. House shook his head, stumbling back another step or two.

"I…" he started, cutting himself off and closing his eyes, taking a deep breath before trying to speak again. When he opened his mouth again, all that came out was a strangled gasp as Cuddy raised her hand to touch his cheek.

"Are you…going to be okay?" she asked hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure she was using the right words.

_Mirror, Mirror, I confess,_

_I can't escape this emptiness._

_No more reasons to pretend._

_Here comes that same old feeling again…_

"I….no. I'm not okay. I'm not going to be okay," House answered back, a far away look in his eyes as he looked into hers. "I…I think I need help." He looked deep into her eyes, pain filling his own.

"Oh, House…" Cuddy whispered, gently caressing his cheek. "We'll get you some help. We'll get you better…" House smiled softly at her.

"Thank you…" he whispered, leaning in a little bit closer. He wanted to kiss her, but wasn't sure it would be appropriate, given everything that had never happened between them. She didn't move away when he made that slight movement toward her, and he moved closer, leaning down to brush his lips over hers.

He couldn't do it.

He bypassed her lips entirely and moved to whisper into her ear. "Thank you. I… Wilson offered to take me somewhere…."

"Then let's get you to Wilson. Come on…" Cuddy moved her hand down to hold onto his elbow, leading him out of her office.

"I…I'm sorry…about earlier…" he confessed. Cuddy sighed and shook her head.

"It's alright, House… Don't worry about it…" House bit his lip as he let Cuddy lead him to Wilson's office. He had no idea how he felt anymore, had no idea what made sense anymore. He had thought that Cuddy loved him, was in love with him… and he had thought that he loved her as well…

But it had all been the drugs.

_Now I realize…_

_I'm snowblind, can't live without you._

_'Cause you're so fine, I just can't get away_

_Won't you throw me a lifeline?_

_I'm going down for the third time…_

_Now I'm snowblind, snowblind, snowblind…_

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I will in fact be doing episode tags for Season 6, but it will be a new series. More information will be released with the tag to 6x01. Hope you enjoyed the Stronger Than Vicodin series... Stay tuned for my next series of episode tags!


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